I got this picture from the article in the Independent here: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/africa/the-gap-kids-you-wont-see-in-the-adverts-2124600.html

To see people weaving because it is nostalgic to me because my mom had  a loom in the house from the time I was born. I learned to weave (the very basics) at a young age on a homemade loom: over, under, over, under. I learned that certain Native American tribes left a hole or imperfection in each tapestry they created to let the spirits escape. This made perfect sense to me as a child of 7 or 8. I thought “I would have left a hole too.” Thanks for posting things like this N!

Seth’s blog that inspired me to write this is posted as a link below. Here’s a copy of his words:

“I’ve always assumed God had a plan for my life. I believed that despite not being the smartest or best at anything, God still loved me and had a role for me to play.

In the last couple months it appears that God has begun to shift my current role in the plan. Through some amazing circumstances, God has thrown open the door to a new opportunity in Virginia. I’m under qualified, still young and stupid. Despite my shortcomings, the congregation of Northside Christian Church has recently voted me to be their new Associate Minister of Adult Ministries. I have the opportunity to work alongside several great men and women who have done great things for the kingdom of God.

Despite God’s obvious leading and the way things have fallen together, it’s still hard to leave. Even though I know beyond the shadow of a doubt where I’m supposed to be- that doesn’t make it any easier to go. I’m going to be leaving family, friends, and a great church behind. I’ll miss them all dearly, but running from God may conclude in the belly of a whale. In the next week or so I’ll be turning over a new leaf. I’ll be jumping in the deep end headfirst with a little fear and a lot of excitement.

When was the last time you began a new undertaking? What feelings did you have?”

This post prompted me to think about how my life has changed since I have come back to Christianity. The funny thing is my life began to change when I began to feel a pull back to Christianity. I began reading the Psalms in my bible and looking up articles about how the brain reacts to thinking about God, I attended a church service with my ex boyfriend’s mom, and I let my spiritual sister from middle school pray for me over the phone. I did these things around the time I began to build up the courage to leave the co-dependent relationship I was in with an alcoholic. When I left him, I stopped thinking about God and started thinking about a place to live. While I was between houses, my current Minister of Adult Ministries (and most likely future father-in-law) let me and my dog stay in his family’s house, eat their food, and use their shower, etc. While staying at his house, I had one one-on-one conversation with Larry. We stood in the kitchen for over an hour talking. He got around to asking me about my religious beliefs. I told him my history: I went to church as a child with my parents, stopped going when they stopped, went back to church with a zest for God and community in middle school and high school, and left the church and my faith at the end of my senior year in high school. I told him some of the questions I had. I had learned to read literature in a new way in my AP English classes and the classes I took for my English Literature degree. I needed some concrete details to go along with all the commentary I heard from Christians. I needed to know I could rely on Scripture. He mentioned The Case for Christ. I picked it up about 6 months later when I was in my own apartment and became a believer—again.

I put off reading The Case for Christ for a while. I knew that by the time I finished it, I would “begin a new undertaking.” I knew I would be back in my walk with God. That was scary. That meant giving up my selfish and prideful lifestyle and submitting the Ultimate’s will. Giving up control is hard for me still!

What an undertaking it has been!

Now that I am trying to walk with the Lord, I am seeing my life through a new lens. I have felt like Saul with the scales falling from his eyes. The scales that have been falling from me are insecurities, defensive behaviors and thoughts, and lies that I have believed about myself for most of my life. With each scale that falls, I can see clearer and my burden becomes lighter.

I am experiencing the bible in a new way. The Word did become flesh and now it is living! Every time I read scripture, I come across something I didn’t the last time I read it. I am engaged in the Word and, in turn, I am engaged with God. I look for God’s hand in my life.

I have been struggling with the idea of “falling in love” with God. How could I do that? I can’t experience Him with my senses. Today, while thinking about the risks I have been taking since I have come to know God again and while listening to the lyrics:

“I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet

Its gotta be
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
Its like I’m falling, Oh
Its like I’m falling in love.” (Jason Gray)

Then I realized: it is like I’m falling in love! Love gives me the sense of timelessness that I get from God. Love makes me do things that I normally wouldn’t do—makes me take risks. It makes me passionate and it is consuming. Since I have known God, I have been taking more risks and with each risk I take, I begin to trust Him more and I want to take more risks to experience the thrill again. It’s like jumping from a great height, not knowing what’s underneath you, but trusting that you won’t splat on the ground. Each time I am caught by my safety net God I want to go again!

The first big risk I took when I came back to God was a risk that could have ended the human love relationship I was in at the time. My boyfriend, David, is not a Christian. We had been dating with the intent to get married. As a secular couple, we were having a sexual relationship. The last time I left the church and my faith, the catalyst was my sexual sin. When I came back to Christ, I knew that as long as I was having sex, I would not be able to be close to God. That physical act would build a wall between me and God. I’m not sure if this is how it is for everyone, or if it’s just a result of my feelings of guilt. So, I took a risk and told David I wanted to be celibate. I was so scared of losing him, but I had faith that God would take care of me. As a result of this risk—one scale fell from my eyes. I realized I had been telling myself that sex was the only way that feelings of love could be validated. I had to learn how to show love and accept love in a different way. God has been working on me in the area of accepting love in other ways as well. I recently realized that I don’t feel lovable. Where did that come from after all these years!? It didn’t come to me through any of the counseling sessions I have been in. How can I accept God’s love if I don’t feel lovable? There is another risk I have to take for Him. I have to learn to become vulnerable to be able to accept love.
 

The most recent risk I have taken is working with the youth at church. I felt called to serve in Middle School. This was scary for me! I am an introvert and I didn’t know anyone working with the middle school students very well. Middle school is the source of a lot of my heart ache. It is the point in my life where I experienced the most rejection. Working with middle school kids meant revisiting all of those painful memories! When I took the leap, I didn’t realize it would start the healing process for me. My motivation was that the church had been my support system when I was going through the awkward stage of middle school and I wanted to be there for girls going through similar experiences. This summer I went to K-Town with the middle and high school at church. It was a one week trip to Tennessee and West Virginia. I didn’t know anyone who was going on the trip. Did I mention I’m an introvert? I had only been working with the middle schoolers for about 3 months when we went on the trip so I didn’t know them very well either! I took many risks on that trip. I worked on a roof (scared of heights), I drove a 15 passenger van (never done that before), and I climbed a huge blow-up toy in a lake and slid down it (again scared of heights). By the end of the week I was exhausted but I was relying on God to get me through. It was awesome!

Taking risks for God has become a normal part of my life now. Each time I take a risk, I’m scared and exhilarated at the same time. It’s like being on a roller coaster. I know I’m safe and strapped in, but I still think of the possibility that the car can come off the tracks or the harness can come unbuckled. With each risk, I grow more comfortable with trusting God and I get to know more about His character. I also learn more about myself and the people who are around me with each risk. And the scales continue to fall off.

This is a link to our new Associate Minister of Adult Ministry’s blog “lifeasexpereinced.” It inspired me to think!

I want to start keeping a blog so I can keep up with friends that are in far off lands! I’m not sure how often I will be updating it.

I just started classes again. I am taking Differential Equations, Engineering Drafting, and Chemistry with a lab. It’s going to be a terribly busy semester. I fully intended to make visits to Richmond and Clarksville over the next few months, but I’m not sure how feasible that will be now.

I will also be co-leading a youth community group through my church with Theresa Haskins. I am excited about it but also a little overwhelmed. I think I will feel better about it once Theresa and I get together and write down our plans for the next few months. Youth group made a huge difference in my life when I was a teenager. I’m hoping, with God’s help, to provide an environment that will be supportive and enjoyable for these middle school girls! I am praying that they will find fellowship and learn how to provide fellowship to others in the group. I’m also hoping to learn from the experience!

I learned A LOT in the week I went to K-Town (summer service camp) with the middle and high schoolers (pictured above).